A post about suicidal thoughts...not a fun one at all.

My daughter, the oldest of my 4 children, told William she has been having suicidal thoughts for the last month.

I know. That's what I said too.

I'm not sure how to take this. I know that she has been having a very hard time lately. Her dad is very ill, she and I have been clashing constantly, she is going downhill in school. We won't even talk about the dreaded IB project, which ended up as a huge bone of contention.

My first thought was that this was a cry for attention. As a teenager, with 2 much younger sisters and a brother with learning disabilites, it appears as though she comes last on the list of "Kids who need our attention." And yet, the reality is that as a teenager, she probably needs it more than ever.

I have always said that Taylor appears depressed to me, from the time she was about four. My family doctor at the time just brushed it off with his infamous quote of "It's a parenting issue." I fully admit to not being the perfect mother, far from it actually. But surely I am not such an awful mother that I would lead a child to suicide?

She said this to William last night, after we did our hospital trade off and he came home. Before I had left, I had asked her and Liam to do a bit of cleaning...Liam was to do the few dishes in the sink and sweep, Taylor was to vacuum and take out the garbage and recycling. As I was getting ready to go out she sat down at the computer. Now, the computer has become a HUGE issue. She gets on it the moment she walks in the door and is on it off and on throughout the night. You ask her to get off, and it takes her forever. So, she sat at the computer and I said "No way!" and went to grab it. I picked it up and she freaked. "You can't take it! I bought it!" Yes, she did buy it. But this is my house, and my rules override her ownership of the things inside it. She was trying to grab it off of me and I was trying to get out the door. She ended up yelling "I'm not going to do anything! I'm just staying upstairs!" and ran up the stairs crying. My friend was standing there during all this and I said to her afterwards that I thought Taylor was about to hit me. She had thought the same.

William ended up taking the computer back home with him, but didn't let her use it. He said that he was quite upset with them when he got in, for other than the dishes nothing was done. This is when she said it to him.

Which made me say "Is she using this to get out of doing things?"

I thought this even more when this afternoon I had to ask her twice to get off the computer to spend 10 minutes cleaning her room. The third time I said "Are you ever going to go do your room?" it was because I could see her shadow as she was dancing in the kitchen. She got upset, said "This is why I feel the way I do!" and started running up the stairs. I said "What do you mean by that?" And she said "If William didn't tell you I am not going to!"

So, I'm sorry, but she wants to kill herself because I require that she accept some responsibility as a member of this family and actually spend 10 minutes cleaning? She wants to kill herself because for years I have let her get away with doing absolutely fucking nothing and now that she is required to help out she doesn't want to? She is using suicidial thoughts as an excuse to get out of household chores?

And in my head I know that this can not be so. I know that there has to be way more going on with her. And yet a part of me wonders, is she really that manipulative of a child? I don't know. I really don't know.

I thought that things would be so much easier once she turned 13. I remember my teen years like they were yesterday and so I thought that I would be much more understanding of her. But guess what? The teenage Taylor is not the same as teenage Emma. I never would have talked back to my mum (at 34 I still don't talk back to my mum, I just bitch after I get off the phone), I never had the smarts she has, or the confidence she exudes. And yet, she must be sad. And I was a sad teenager. I had thoughts of suicide, but even at 14, I could tell you they were only for attention only ("Wouldn't so and so feel awful if I killed myself?") and that I would have no idea what sort of attention my death received if I was actually dead.

I'm calling for counselling tomorrow for her, not for the first time. Previously, I was told I needed a notarized letter of permission from her father. Well, waiting for him to get it together and do that was a long wait. I don't think he even understood what I was asking of him. This time I am just going to have to say that I'm not so sure we have time to wait and hope that they are willing to accept that.