Dumped for an older woman

No, not me. Though did you know that I am one of the few relationships William has had in which he is the older of the 2? Apparently he had a thing for older women.

Anyway, this little story is all about my wee Saoirse.

We have a neighbour who just turned 7 on Easter Sunday. Saoirse absolutely loves him. She thinks he is her BFF. Sometimes he will come to our door looking to see if she wants to come out and play on the front lawn, where there is a castle turret to climb and a few soccer balls to kick around. He is really good about including her when the neighbourhood kids are out and about.

So yesterday he comes over and asks if she wants to come out and ride her bike. (She just got a brand new princess bike. So cute!) It's just him and he will just ride with her between our driveway and his.

So she gets on her polar bear helmet (because the ladybug one is not good enough for a bike ride with Lachlan) and goes outside. I look out a couple of times to see her playing on the lawn while Lachlan rides his bike. Look out another time and there is our 5 year old neigbour Faith riding her bike as well.

The next time I look out Saoirse is standing looking out towards the road. I say "What are you doing?" And she says "Mummy, they are too far away." She knows she can not go down the road, she needs to stay where I can see her from the front door.

She then says "Lachlan went with that girl. I don't know her name." I say "That's okay, they will come back. You wait there."

Well, they didn't come back. I looked out a few more times, once she was sitting playing with dirt (yay!), another time she was chalking up the sidewalk, and one time she was just sitting there, pouting, looking off into the distance. I asked if she wanted to come in. "No, I'm going to wait for my friends."

Poor Saoirse! It's a lesson learned early. Boys are fickle!

(Note that I in no way blame Lachlan for leaving Saoirse. I mean, if I were a 7 year old boy I would much rather play with the cute 5 year old over the 3 year old who doesn't fancy washing her face.)

This is what happens when you ask a man

A few bloggers asked what for William's potato bread recipe.

Me: Some bloggers would like your recipe for potato bread."

William: Why?

I tell him my answer to the comfort food question.

William: Potatoes and flour.

Me: Annnnd?

W: That's it.

M: No measurements?

W: Whatever you want. Until it feels right.

So that's it people. Potatoes and flour. Mash potato, add flour, fry. No need for your bread machine. This is traditional fattening potato bread.

Now who wants his recipe for Scotch eggs? I'm sure he will be really helpful.

Answers to the rest

I started this post last week, on Thursday. Then I got bored of myself and stopped. That doesn't bode well for you does it? Hopefully, you are quick readers. Feel free to skim. I don't mind. I was going to come back to it later, but then I got into Scramble on Facebook. And holy Hannah, do I suck at it. It's almost as bad as I sucked at Scrabulous. I say almost, because I am about to win ONE LONE game and I think the gal I am playing against (a non blogger, you bloggers are too smart for me) is afraid to lose to a moron such as myself and hasn't yet finished the game.

Anyhoo...on we go...

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I've hardly set the world on fire here with my Q&A. But muster on I will, enlightening the entire dozen readers I still have. Bitter? No. This is what I get when I stop commenting myself. Obviously, I have a blog where I have to WORK for comments. And that's okay. Sort of. And you people who read me and don't comment even though I comment on yours? Start freaking commenting. As I always say to William, he of few compliments, people (read: Emma) thrive on acknowledgment. Which is a lesson to myself: start commenting on the blogs I read. Babble over.

Boufmom9 (she really does have 9 kids! Go watch the video at the top of the blog, it made me cry) asks what my favourite comfort food is, and to share the recipe. I don't really have one. Anything I don't have to prepare myself I suppose. William does make a mean potato bread though, and something about always reminds me of my Granny. Just an Irish thing I guess. I'd have to ask William for the recipe, though I don't know how many people would want to try potato bread.

That Chick asks why she gets so few comments which made go ha! Her last post had 48 comments before mine. So I suppose to her 20 looks like no comments. However, if you are one of the few people not reading That Chick I highly recommend her. Hope that sends one or two your way, Chick!

Tiger Lamb Girl (I talked to her on the phone the other day, I adore her, you learn so much more over the phone than you do reading a blog. And she has this lovely accent...a mix of all the places she has lived, I guess.) asks the all important question of pepsi or coke. We drink coke in our house, that is William's preference. I am not fussed either way and would buy whatever was cheaper if William were not here. Personally, I drink sprite zero.

Emily asks how we pronounce Saoirse's name. This is, I believe, my most oft asked question. We pronounce it incorrectly, as Soar-sha instead of the much more common Seer-sha. I call her by both, she answers to both and the other day when I told her I met a little girl named "Seer-sha" she said "Hey, that's the same name as me!" When she is old enough we will let her choose the pronunciation she wants. Though I do love the way Sophie says "Soar-SHA!!!!"

Catwoman is a woman of many questions:

Do you want more kids? Oh, such a hard question! I dooooo. I always say no, but the reality is I am so jealous of women the women in Labour and Delivery. I wonder if this is something that will eventually go away. Surely, once I am past child bearing age I won't have these yearnings. I would love a little boy. I'd take a girl too, though I don't relish the though of doing the teenage girl thing 4 times. If we won the lottery I'd get pregnant yesterday. I did tell William that if this job pans out then I would like another, but not until we are in a large enough house and by the time that actually happens I might be post-menopausal.

When are you coming to Dallas? When are you inviting me? Oh, wait I need a passport first. Damn, your government is some suspicious of us Canadians. Answer: when I have a passport and a plane ticket. Oh, and maybe I should wait until a Stars/Oilers game. That would be mucho fun. As long as the Oilers win of course. Do you have an in on tickets by chance?

Are you still in love with James Blunt? Oh, I am. I almost ashamed to admit it. His CDs are kept in the kitchen and I listen to them when I am doing dishes. Though as I said in a comment over at Joy's a while ago should I ever get to cross him of my imaginary list of people I am allowed to sleep with he is absolutely not allowed to speak. Sing yes, talk no. Have I shared my theory on English men with you?

How is the health of Taylor and Liam's dad? He has moved into long term care, he will not give me $75 a month towards Liam's $175 a month orthodontist bill and he thinks my children are selfish. Other than that he is fine. Hmmm, I'm coming off as bitter, and I shouldn't because really? he's their dad and he does love them. He was very sick in November and December but is doing better now. He's definitely in a better place than living with his sister that's for sure!

Do you think all these made up awards are killing the fun of blogging? Eek. I certinaly see the fun in it, but as one of those sensitive type bloggers I am all like "Hey, why didn't she give me that award? I totally deserved that award!" I mean, apparently my blog is not rated E for excellent like so many others. But whatever. I'm over it. I am. I swear. Awards are like comments I guess, just because you get a ton doesn't mean your blog is any better than mine. Maybe. Comments are way more fulfilling though, lest any of you think I don't want you to comment.

Backpacking Dad asks what my favourite ingredient is to add to soda bread. My answer is simple: none. No raisins, no nothing. Just plain with butter. Yum. Course I don't actually make soda bread. That would require effort. My aunt Marie makes fantastic soda bread. Though her tea is way to strong for me. Is it impolite to take the soda bread and run?

Some other answers to questions that came up:

A cuppa is a cup of tea.

A few people wanted the background to the fifth grade walk around Emma's house story. Honestly, I can't remember what I did to make the entire fifth grade turn on me. Probably nothing. I can not even remember who the ring leader was. It was either Margaret or Lianne. I was friends with both and one time or another they both turned on me. And you know they were just girls with that ability to make everyone else hate you. Today, I can look at it and say that they were the type of girls everyone was friends with but no one really liked. I hear Lianne is really nice now though. And I'm sure Margaret is too. I wonder if she is still a stripper?

International Answer a Question Day

Oh, if only I had the blogger power to create such a day! As it is, it's just lonely ol' Emma answers a question day. Sigh. No power, here. Hell, I can't even get my kids to clean their rooms. Pictures coming shortly. Seriously, I am once again trying to embarass my children (okay just Taylor into cleanliness).

Anyway...


Becca says "Tell us one choice you've made that you regret and one choice you wish had turned out differently." This is a hard one for me, becuase I try not to regret anything. There are things that literally make me shudder when I think of them (why, oh why, did I ever sleep with that particular eejit?) but I do believe that everything we do is a lesson learned. Like don't sleep with total morons. I do wish that I had worked harder in high school, instead of spending so much time focusing on a boyfriend who didn't deserve it, and gone on to University. But even that I can turn around and say yes, I might have ended up with a great career making good money but I would not have had the four children that I have today and may be working fulltime instead of spending the week with my girls. So long answer short... No regrets. And the same for things working out differently. When I was 19 I was supposed to go to Ireland for a year to work but I ended up meeting my ex husband. Had I gone I probably wouldn't have married him and had Taylor and Liam. So while I will always wonder what that year would have been like, I can't really be sorry that it didn't work out.


Random Mommy asks if I sent her the Christmas ornament she just received after much bitching about not getting it. And I say, no I didn't. But I do still have her unsent Christmas card. My bad. But everyone else I had an address for got one. I think. I hope.

Lisa Marie says "boxers or briefs?" I'm assuming she means on my fella and I tell you I would laugh hysterically if I ever saw him in briefs. So it is boxers all the way for both the boys in my life.

She also asks if it was me who was supposed to be doing the book reviews and yes, it was. I should really get that going. Sigh. So untogether.

Mum of 4 asks if William and I will ever relocate to Australia. Lately he has been really pushing the benefits of Australia by pointing out to me that the housing prices are much cheaper, the weather is better (but way too hot for me!) and that there really are not that many spiders. With his permanant residency so close to being reality I don't see a move happening, though if it hadn't of we were seriously considering a move to the UK, which would have been much easier as we are both British citizens. I don't think Taylor and Liam's dad would be very fond of me taking them to either place so we're pretty much tied to Edmonton.

Alix mentioned that she liked my new blog template and was it easy to do? Yes, it was easy even for someone not tech minded like myself. I just linked on a site, picked my template and they talked me through saving my old template and downloading this one. She also asked what moments I will always remember. I'll say the old standard answer of the birth of the 4 children and the first time I ever saw William. Another thing I will never forget is going home for lunch one day in the fifth grade and looking out the window to see all the kids from both Grade 5 kids circling my house in a threatening manner! It is amazing the power one child could have in turning an entire grade against you. I had to get my neighbour to walk me back to school.

I'll have to finish the remaining questions later, too many demands at the moment and a sink full of unwashed dishes!

Too close for comfort

I wasn`t going to blog about this, because I didn`t know this girl personally and I don`t really feel that it`s my place to talk about it. But this happened, literally, right outside my, and her, workplace.

Any readers from Edmonton and area would have heard about a nurse being murdered and her car set on fire. Her unit was so quiet this weekend, normally you hear a lot of laughter as they all sit at the desk charting, but there was not a smile out of a single one of them. She was a nice girl, never bitched about having to help us with patients as so many of them do. And she wore hot pink scrubs, there's not many that can get away with that, but she did.

The rumours, of course, are numerous. I had heard that she left work about a half hour early, claiming to be tired, that she had broken up with or was trying to break up with a boyfriend. What they have established is that she left through the main doors at 11 (which does not lead to staff parking, another rumour is that she was parked at the mall and you would use the main doors to get there). They say that her murder was not random, which leads me to assume that she knew her attacker. She was killed before the vehicle was set on fire, only a block from the hospital. The suspect ran out of the vehicle and headed west. Her purse was found about 6 blocks away. It is entirely possible that he ran right past my mother`s house. Scary.

Even though I didn`t know her personally, it leaves a terrible feeling. I can not even begin to imagine what her family, friends and co-workers are going through.

International Ask a Question Day

Did you know that today was International Ask a Question Day? No, neither did I. But it is. And so I thought, in this spirit of this international day, that you, my quickly dwindling readership, could ask ANYTHING you want to ask and I will answer* it.





*Within reason of course. On the blog, that is. I'll answer anything via email.

The things she says. Oh, and a doctor's appointment.

This morning Saoirse says, all worried, "Mummy! There's a little hole in my bum!" I say "Yes, of course, that is where your poo comes out of." I wonder where she thought that particular bodily function was coming from? She then asked me where her pee came out of and I explained that there are 2 holes in her vagina, one for peeing and one where babies come from. Even though I kept it pretty basic I sometimes wonder if I say too much. And if I'm not saying too much, should I explain it better? I just don't know. You would think that having had this talk years ago with 2 other children I would have a better idea of how to go about it.

***********

Last night as I'm walking into the kitchen I say to William "Would you like a cuppa?" He says "Go on then." Saoirse says "Me too! I want one too!" I say to her "What do you want?" and she says "I don't know!"

***********

I went to the doctor's on Wednesday as she had the results of my blood tests. I am low in iron so am now on iron supplements. This somewhat explains why I am so tired all the time. I am also on anti depressants, she thinks I have a bit of post partum depression but also that I am genetically inclined towards depression. Not surprising when you come from generations of alcoholics I suppose. Funnily enough when I was looking up side effects of certain anti depressants almost all of them said "May increase thoughts of suicide." which really seems to defeat the purpose you know? I'm not suggesting every depressed person is suicidal but I'm going to assume the great majority of suicidal people are depressed.

The blood test for my thyroid came back negative. I was hoping for a positive result as I would like a reason to explain away at least a little bit of my weight gain. I go for the ultrasound on Thursday at 11, though Saoirse's playschool class has been moved to the morning to have their Easter party and her class ends at 11. So that realluy doesn't work for us. My cholestrol is not even a little bit high. 4.5 is average and I am at 4.1. The "you are a heart attack waiting to happen" speech did not take place. Apparently for a fat chick? I'm pretty freaking healthy.

Since I'm not American my opinion doesn't really matter.

I found this quiz when I was doing a quiz I saw on Joy's blog (I have an American midland accent as I am sure you are all dying to know). From what I have seen I think I would prefer Obama, but I have nothing against Clinton either (aside from her husband, who I think is an eejit to the nth degree). But not living in the States, I don't really know their individual policies. I have no clue which candidate is in favour of taking lawfully owned guns from citizens in the aftermath of a disaster, I have no clue which one would require all adults to purchase health insurance. For the record, I voted yes to taking the guns (though I should have said no, because really? the criminals don't lawfully own their guns and they will still have them) and no to the health insurance. I don't think you can force anyone to purchase insurance. Again, though, had the question been phrased differently I would have said yes...yes, over a certain income should pay, under should be subsidized but as it was phrased it didn't specify how some with a $20,000 income would pay for it.

Now why are there no quizzes for Canadian politics to stick on the old blog?

Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton? Your Result: Barack Obama   Barack Obama began his career an an elected politician in the 90s, serving in the Illinois state legislature. He ran successfully for the US Senate in 2004, where he now serves on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. He has led a grassroots campaign for president, notable for inspiring voters with his message of bringing change to Washington and ending partisanship. Learn more at www.barackobama.com
Hillary Clinton
Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

What Taylor did last night

For Christmas, Taylor and her friend Ashley both received tickets to Avril Lavigne. How their friend Marissa kept it a secret for so long I will never know. She had received hers earlier, in replacement of the cancelled Kelly Clarkson concert that the three girls were supposed to go to. They had a great time, though Taylor's legs are very sore from standing all night.

Looking Up

Isn't it amazing how one piece of news can turn things around? I've been very down, as you know, and one of my biggest stressers is money. Because I tend to spend it. Foolishly perhaps. Every month I budget. I budget for all our bills, the groceries, school needs and activities for the kids, entertainment, clothes, Stampin' Up and everything else that we might spend our dollars on. I even budget money to save, and I am always left with about $500 extra each month. But when the month is done there is no 500 extra dollars, there is nothing saved and sometimes I even end up skipping a bill and paying double the next month. Where, or where, does our money go?

So anyway last Thursday evening, I placed my Stampin' Up order knowing that William's cheque would be deposited by the morning. Morning comes, I check the bank balance and was shocked. There was so little in there! William's overtime had come to an end, apparently I hadn't realized how much bigger those hours made his cheques. (Although it actually turns out he didn't get paid for 2 sick days and he still hasn't asked about it. Urgh!) What to do? I tried to adjust my order but it had already been shipped. There was a large cheque for soccer fees for Liam and Saoirse to come out and it was Taylor's birthday in 3 days. We would need groceries and gas and the other odds and ends that come up. Crappers.

So it put me in a bad, stressed out mood all weekend. We gave Taylor some money for her birthday, with promises for the actual requested gifts- knitting needles, wool and Season 3 of the Gilmore Girls- next week. It sucks to have to tell your kids you are broke. We have always pretty much lived paycheque to paycheque but this is the first time since William started working that we have literally had no money.

But then yesterday when William came home for lunch he mentioned that he was talking to the head guy in the installation department and that this guy would love to have him in that department because he has a reputation as a hard worker. He mentioned what the average guy makes and it is more than double William's wages. If he does this it would mean that he would be a sub contractor so he would have to register a GST number and pay his own taxes. It would mean buying a truck and $2000 in tools. We are going to go for it. Once his permanent residency comes in we are going to look into a program run by the government for people starting up their own businesses and programs for new immigrants. If none of those work out we will look into a bank loan.

Knowing that in a year or two he could be making so much more money lifted this huge gigantic weight off my chest. I feel like I can breathe again. Suddenly, I am not stressing about going back to school or having to work full time to make ends meet. I feel good about things for the first time in a long time. Now I just have to hope that this works out.

Change may be good but it's a lot of freaking work

As you can see I have changed my template. Yay me! Being computer illiterate, change is a big deal to me. I really wanted a 3 column blog to sort all my stuff a bit better. So I am working on updating my blogroll, if you're not on there you will be hopefully by the end of today. Tell me if you should be on there, because I am liklely to forget. I need to add a whole lot of new blogs and delete those who are no longer blogging. So sad to say goodbye. What if they come back and I miss it? I suppose I could just add them to google reader, but that would require actually checking google reader then. So much effort! I really am a lazy fuck.

I cannot for the life of me figure out how to edit the edit me in the about section. Can someone with the same sort of template enlighten me? Hint, hint Blue Momma!

Well, it made me laugh.

Came across this on a blog I was reading tonight, I wish I could remember which blog though so I could give credit. This made me laugh out loud when moments before I had been in tears. It was a sad blog.

I am quite sure I have used 99% of the things she says in here. With a few 'fucks' thrown in for good measure.

My week in pictures

Saoirse had her first time out this week. She had been talked to in the morning about telling lies, as she had accused Sophie of dropping cake from the table when really it was her. How did I know this? Well, Sophie was in the bathroom with me when I heard the thunk of cake falling from table to chair to floor. Plus, the icing was all over her white tights which is why she is wearing some clashing orange with the pink dress in the above picture. She was sent on the time out for throwing a toy at Sophie's head and immediately turning to me and saying "Sophie did it!" Then she ran under the computer desk chair and started crying. She refused to say sorry to Sophie so she received a 3 minute time out. She actually sat through it, something my others never would have done, and Sophie doesn't either. Don't judge me for the bloody dummy in her mouth. She's been really good about not taking it, we are almost ready for the dummy fairy to come and take them all away, but when she is upset she likes it. Yes, yes, I know she is over 3. Shut up. Sophie was kind enough to sit with Saoirse and keep her company, which sort of defeats the purpose of a time out.



She loves to stamp. Taylor was making a card for a friend's birthday so she joined in. She was having so much fun she didn't want to get changed for ballet.


A close up of her ladybugs, done on actual Stampin Up card stock. Usually I only give her scrap paper, but oh no, Taylor was kind enough to give her 18 cents worth of paper. I am officially cheap.


I am picturing this photo in her high school yearbook in the "Who is this baby?" section. Or at her wedding reception. She will be so mad at me for this photo one day.


This is what happens when a 3 year old picks her own clothes. Red striped dress, pink polka dot leggings, purple socks. She even told me how she wanted her hair done. Saoirse really has a thing for dresses right now, and hardly ever wears pants. The other day at school her teacher and a mum even commented on the fact that she was wearing pants, for the first time in about a month, but it was only because we were out of tights. (Hence the orange ones in the first picture!)

Overwhelmed

As many of you noticed I went private. There was no good reason for it, I was in a bad mood and when I read something that offended me and I was like "Way hey, goodbye blog!" I had hit the delete button and when it came up with the are you sure question I just couldn't do it.

This blog is almost 3 years of memories of my life, of my children and of William. This blog has provided me with insights into other people's lives. I have met wonderful women who have become friends because of this blog. So no, I could not delete all those posts and all those comments that have made me laugh, or helped me out through difficult times.

But my bad moods? They have been getting to me. I have been depressed for a long time, and have not taken meds for it. December was a hard month, but I thought it was just the stress of Christmas and whatnot. January was sort of okay but February hit me in the face and knocked me on my ass. It went out nicely though, with a lovely bloggers breakfast/lunch. I seriously think you people that do blogher should say screw it this summer and just come up to Edmonton. We are fun. Jut let me know first so I can buy your pass to Klondike Days when they are cheap. Of course you have to go to K days. Or the Capital Ex as it is now known. I don't care if you hate rides, you still have to go. It's a touristy thing.

So February was hard. Liam's birthday was on a Friday. Do you know when he got his cake? Not on Friday. We picked one up on Saturday. He did get his gifts on the actual day (a Nintedo DS and a game), I'm not that shitty a mother yet, but still...to forget to get a cake! I would say that I was sick that week (I really was) but that's a pretty poor excuse.

I have been miserable with everyone. Sophie does this screaming thing that drives me up the wall and I find myself screaming back "SOPHIE! STOP SCREAMING!!!" Saoirse, who previously could do no wrong, cries so easily and that frustrates the bejesus out of me. Liam is Liam, ignores me half the time and forgets what I said 3 seconds later the other half. And then there is Taylor. Oh, Taylor. Poor, ignored Taylor. Her words, not mine. Taylor, who was asked to simply pick the garbage up off of her floor this past weekend, and everyday since, and who still has not done it. Taylor, who asked for a sleepover party this weekend and couldn't understand why I said no. Taylor, who stomped her way up the stairs screaming that she was ignored and unloved and slammed her door. Taylor, who officially got her period last night (the time I mentioned before was not the real thing) and who told me that she is suffering from PMS and so I better leave her alone. But hey, she may be ignored but at least she got a "congratulations on becoming a woman" cake. I remember reading that in a book, when I was preteen, and hoping my mother would do the same. She did not.

I finally went to the doctor for a physical. I wanted to talk about my weight, which I think is a huge cause of my depression, and also the cause of my future role as heart attack patient. So my weight is high but we didn't really get a chance to talk about it. We talked about my depression first. I had to fill out paperwork to see if I might be bipolar. I wondered about that because, while I definitely do have the extreme lows, I do not have the highs. I'm either okay, or down. There is no extreme happy. Even when I am happy, it is always tinged with sadness. My kids do something funny and I laugh but tear up at the same time. Sometimes I think "What the fuck are we doing to these kids?" There are so many things I want for them, that we just financially can not give to them. I want to give myself to them, but emotionally? I am not there at all. Taylor is right to say she is ignored. The things my kids say go in one ear and out the other. They ask for money for school, I don't want to deal with it right then and there, so I can get pissy with them and then I forget about it later on. I wouldn't want to be my child right now.

As I've looked up information about bipolar disorders on the internet (seriously, what did we do before the advent of the world wide web?) I've discovered that the manic part of manic depression does not necessarily mean you experience extreme highs, it can also mean irritabilty and anger. Which is me. Along with the crying at the drop of the hat. I have always been super senstive and easy to cry (so, no, I don't question where Saoirse gets that particular trait from) but lately it is everything. I bawled like a baby when I saw the picure of these three little girls who died in a fire in Hamilton. I cried at the provincial election results which will bring the Progressive Conservatives into 40+ years of power in Albeta. I cried for every grey haired candidate who lost. Well, okay, only the Liberals and New Democrats. And mostly, for Ray Martin who I have loved since I was 14 and became politically aware. I could care less if an older Tory lost. Not that very bloody many of the buggers did at all! They won 72 of 83 seats. If you've seen me around on facebook, it is true I am currently throwing up a little in my mouth. Just thinking about it makes me sick.

When I normally read of children dying it does make me very sad. It makes me tear up. It does not normally make me bawl into my bowl of vanilla mini wheats. The PCs winning their 11th stright majority in 37 years normally would just piss me off to no end, and having me screaming at the TV and loudly cursing all those Tory voters (some of whom I am even friends with!) but not crying. And I did cry last night, I was so frustrated by it all.

I have become unable to handle anything that is out of the ordinary. I can hardly get out of bed in the morning, and I have a hard time falling asleep. When I am up I get very little done. I sort of fitter from job to job, never actually completing anything. I am a wreck at work and dread going in. I guess that means I can't handle the ordinary either.

So we talked about all of this. How miserable I am, how often I am crying. She asked if I was suicidal. I said no, because I am not. I have 4 children after all and what would happen to them? But I did not say to her that I often wonder what would happen if I died. I wonder it because some fucker in a speeding truck almost hit me the other week, not because I am suicidal but I definitely think about death more than I should. She wants to see me once all of my blood work is done and we will discuss meds then. She then did my physical exam- eyes, ears, neck- told me I have a goitre- I thought "yea! a possible reason for the weight gain"- breasts, tummy and finally the lovely pap smear. After, she told me she wants me to go for an ultrasound of my thyroid and if it comes back showing a lump I will have to go for a biopsy. So not what I expected. I expected to be told I was too fat, I expected to be told that yes, it does seem I am depressed. I did not expect to go into the doctors office on a Saturday morning and come out with a possible cyst or worse on my thyroid and a possiblity of being bipolar.

Right now, it all sort of leaves me with a situation where I don't know what to do with the blog. I feel like I need this outlet, but I don't know where to find the energy to blog. I feel guilty that I am missing out on reading so many of the blogs I love and I feel guilty that I have not mailed out any of the stuff that is sitting in my cupboard waiting to be mailed. I just can't get to it, you know? And when I stay away from the blogs I can pretend I don't have reading or mailing to do. Sometimes I think if I just stay away long enough I will stop missing you all and wondering what is going on it your life. But I doubt it.

So I think I am going to start blogging a lot less, and try not to feel guilty that I can't read every single blog every day or even every week. I can't spend 4 or 5 hours a day reading blogs, as much as I often would love to. I think I need to put what energy I have into my family.

I'm not going to take the blog private again, but I don't think I will be around much for now. I'm always on facebook though!



*This post is way more scattered and makes much less sense than the post that was originally in my head.