Working things out

William read my blog the other day. And the comments. It was, at the time, horrible. He was mad. Mad at me, mad at you, dare I venture so far and say he may have even been mad at himself?

You only got my side of the story, he says. True, you did. It is accurate of how I was feeling at the time, which was heartbroken, despairing, confused and beyond sad. And angry. I was so angry. At him, of course, but also at myself. Why do I put up with this I wondered.

William reading my blog was probably the best thing that could have happened. It forced him to listen to me, to consider what I had to say. We sat and we talked over the course of two evenings, and though there is still far more talking to do, I do believe things will work out.

Definitely he will need counselling. We will need counselling as a couple. William will one day have to go back to Australia for a court case involving the doctor who absued him as a teenager. He tends to believe this being dealt with will make things better. Me, I'm not so sure. I think it will be anti climatic. I think he will still be angry. Hearing that this man is guilty can not erase years of confusion, anger and sadness. That abuse had a part in making him who he is, for better and for worse. It turned him into an angry man, but it also made him strong. It made him distrustful, but aware. I don't know what he will go through if the result is not favourable. I dread to think of it, but I do know that I will stand by him no matter what. And I would do that whether we are together as a couple or not.

For my reality is that we are a family. He is the father of my little girls, stepfather to my two oldest children. No matter how difficult his relationship is with Taylor I know that he would go to the ends of the earth to protect her. I know that if something happened to me, he would take care of those two as well.

There is, of course, a lot more to say. I am tempted to delete that post, but I can not erase what happened. My regular readers will not forget what I said about him, so there is no point in pretending those words were never said. For those of you who might worry, know that I go into this with my eyes wide open. I know that things will not be perfect, that there will be uphill battles. Before we met each other, William and I both tended to walk away when things got hard. Thought it has been threatened in this relationship, in 4 years it has not happened. That says something I think. There is something there that holds us together.

To those of you who left comments, thank you. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. It is nice to know that out there there are people I don't actually know who might turn off their computer and still think of some blogger out there freezing her ass off in the tundra that is Edmonton.