Figuring things out

Another blowout with William tonight. I am at a loss. I have to accept that he just is not in love with me, and this breaks my heart. I can not see for the tears. I am so tired. Tired of being scared that the house is not clean enough. And it isn't, I know it isn't.I shouldn't be scared of my partner. And seriously? If you love someone you can forgive the fact that they are not a perfect housekeeper. You do not end a relationship because there are fucking toys on the floor. You do not scream and shout and throw things because you are sick of messes. If you love a person you actually acknowledge the things they do. Holy fuck, a closet full of clean clothes? A toilet that is consistently cleaned up after you have puked in it? There's no magic fucking fairy doing all that shit. There's just me. And I am so tired of it all. I'm so tired of being so sad ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I am tired of taking it out on Taylor and Liam. I am tired of not being listened to but of having to listen to what a shitty mother I am and how I am so fucking lazy and I apparently do nothing all day. And I'm tired of being told that you are going to leave. Go, fucking go! But if you aren't going to go stop threatening me with it! It's emotional blackmail. You can say it isn't but it is. It is! You are talking about taking my daughters for 6 months at a time. To fucking Australia. The other side of the world. And what other alternatives are there? I will not accept a previously suggested idea of you taking Saoirse and me taking Sophie. I will not lose that little girl. And what of Taylor and Liam? No mention of them at all. Silence says a lot. Oh, I knew you didn't care for Taylor, although you never said it, but Liam...I thought you did love him. But lately you have been so angry with all of us. Even yelling at Saoirse for stupid little things. Frustration at me I suppose. Why am I blaming myself? This is not my issue, not at all. This is all about you. I live with the things I don't like about you (and guess what! there's a lot!) because I love you. I love you. Why?

This is what I need to figure out. Why do I love someone who so obviously does not love me in return? I know very well that if I suddenly have a clean house he will just find something else to hate about me. I need to work all this out. Sadly, I can not talk to him about this. We had an argument about me asking him not to swear at Saoirse on Saturday night. He told me not to tell him how to raise his daughter. And yet it is perfectly okay for him to tell me what to do and not do with my two, and will do so right in front of them. He actually puts his hand up to me and tells me not to say another word. But he can yell and scream at me. Once he's done talking thought that's it, conversation over. All I know is that I can not go on like this.

I am going to take sometime away from blogging (which totally distracts me from housework!) so that I can clear up some other things that tend to keep me from home and family. It won't last very long I am sure and I am sure I said the same thing not so long ago. Sure, don't you lot all have such happy lives that I just have to read about them? Fuck knows I'm not living one myself.

I'm on to you kiddo

One of the few jobs my kids have is to do the dishes after dinner and tidy the kitchen. It used to be that one washed and one dried but all they did was fight so they now alternate nights. It seems pretty simple in theory. Scrape the dishes, wash the dishes, put in drainer. Wipe down the table, wipe the counter, clean out the sink, place any garbage in a garbage bag, sweep the floors, put away the dishes.

So how come they can't manage it? How come my kitchen actually comes out looking worse for the wear? Especially on Liam's nights.

I keep saying I am going to stand over them and tell them exactly what to do but when evening comes I have so much to do. Last night was Liam's night and I had a meeting at 7. So I had to feed the baby and get my books ready. I just generally did not have time. Time management is not one of my strong points. He started the dishes at 10 after 6, when in reality they should have been long done by that point. At 6.30 he had not emptied the dish drainer from the afternoon dishes and had washed a few dishes and just piled them on top of the earlier pile. There were still dishes on the table and he had not scraped a single plate.

Cue me saying "What have you been doing for the past 20 minutes!!!" Okay, I probably yelled it.

I think Liam's plan is to do such a crappy job that eventually I will just not let him do the dishes at all. He has the same idea in regards to putting away his laundry and cleaning his room. Make such a mess of it, that mum will just get fed up and do it.

He's not going to win this battle though. I'm already cleaning up after his "cleaning" and I'm getting pretty pissed off about it. I think this weekend he and I are going to do the whole house together, including bathrooms, the one job he has never had. What fun! Some mother and son bonding time. Hopefully, he will realize that dishes are pretty freaking easy compared to the rest of the crap I could have him doing.

An email

Dear Mr. Z,

re: The Robot!cs Compet!tion

Today, we went to watch Taylor, as well as her classmates, participate in the F!rst Lego Le@gue competition. We did not expect her particpation to be limited to the role of cheerleader.

While I am very proud of the effort put on by this group of students from St. B's, I am very disappointed in the fact that the 4 girls on the team, along with one boy, had no actual physical role in the robotics itself.

I question why this was. I also was dismayed to see one particular child appear to take the lead in what should have been a shared team effort. I was upset about that because that child has been nothing but cruel to his teammates this past week, calling them unnecessary and hurtful names (which I suppose I should not be surprised by, considering how his father talked to them afterwards.) It seems odd that his behaviour should be rewarded by being given a lead role in this competition.

Aside from those concerns, I do think that the children (and their coach!) did a great job and the award received was well deserved.

Emma McD.

Bloggers- do not even let me get into what a little shit that kid who called my daughter ugly is. Let me tell you though that he is his father's son and his father is a FUCKING ARSEHOLE!!!!!

So do I send this? I am not entirely happy with it but I do want the teacher to know that I am not overly pleased with the girls having no role. My mother thinks I should say "This reeks of sexism." In a posh British accent of course.

She'll never be a great athlete, but at least she's enthusiastic

Today Taylor partcipated in a volleyball tournament at a local junior high (my junior high from some 20 years ago - that makes me sound ancient!- it was like walking back in time.) There were 10 teams from 5 schools participating, 5 girls and 5 boys teams.

Taylor is not very athletic. She likes to participate though, and isn't that's what important? In October and November she spent an hour after school every Tuesday learning handball to play in a tournament hosted by the U of A. Since December it has been volleyball. Shortly, softball will start. She played recreational softball for 2 years, she never once hit the ball, but did get walked quite often and spent entire games way out in outfield. But like I said enthusiastic.

Sophie and I went to watch. We missed the first game, which they won, but saw the other 3 as well as the playoff game. They lost all the other games. Taylor missed all her serves except for one, but she always cheered on her teammates. And when she scored a point she was beyond thrilled. She's very bouncy, my Taylor. It's like she can no longer walk once she hits the court, only skip. They ended up coming in fourth, because the one team they beat didn't win a single game. Our boys team came in third.

In other Taylor happenings, today she found out she made the team (well, team B) for the Journ@l Indoor g@mes, which is held at the U of A for elementary and junior high students from both school districts. She was so excited when she came home, jumping up and down. She tried out in both grades 4 and 5, but didn't make it. Most schools bring everyone who wants to go, but not ours.

Also today, a boy on her robotics team called her ugly. I don't if you've ever seen a picture of Taylor, I posted the proofs of her school photos back in Ocotber, you can see it here if you so desire, and if you do happen to look tell me is that ugly child? Sure she mightn't like to brush her hair on a daily basis, but she's not ugly. I was so offended and angry for her, especially considering the kid who said it. And quite terribly, the first thing I said was "And did you tell him what a loser he is?" No of course she didn't. She said it had been dealt with and I asked how. This school is not productive at all when it comes to dealing with kids who misbehave in any form at all. The teacher talked to him, which means absolutely nothing. I know I'm over reacting, it's just that it infuriates me so much. I was made fun of by one particular boy in Grade 5 and it is something I have never forgotten. I think it's even harder today, girls are bombarded by a certain ideal that most of them will never meet. It bothers me that you can make fun of a child, or call them names, and suffer no consequences. I am glad of course that Taylor did not sink to his level and call him a loser or a geek or whatever the term is these days. I am glad she spoke up when he was berating the team, which is why he turned on her. Apparently he has been spending time working on this program with his dad (rather his dad has been doing it) and will not share any of the information with the other kids. Today he forgot the program code and therefore could not do any work, which is what set him off. As a group they are so far behind that tomorrow they will find out if they are being pulled out of the competition. Last year our school won the team spirit award, I said to one mum today that there's no chance of that happening this year. It's been nothing but bickering.

Holy crap, that was a rant. Sorry!

I owe how much?

I'm borrowing this one from That Chick Over There. She's a good girl apparently.

You're supposed to add up the dollar amount to see what would you owe in fines for those bad teenage things you do. (Or your late twenties, after a seperation, depending on who you are.) Each one only counts once, no matter how many times you participated in a particular infraction and you don't have to say which ones you did.

* Smoked pot — $10
* Did acid — $5
* Ever had sex at church — $25
* Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you — $40
* Had sex with someone on MySpace — $25
* Had sex for money — $100
* Vandalized something — $20
* Had sex on your parents’ bed — $10
* Beat up someone — $20
* Been jumped — $10
* Crossed dressed — $10
* Given money to stripper — $25
* Been in love with a stripper — $20
* Kissed some one who’s name you didn’t know — $0.10
* Hit on some one of the same sex while at work — $15
* Ever drive drunk — $20
* Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk — $50
* Used toys while having sex — $30
* Got drunk, passed out and don’t remember the night before — $20
* Went skinny dipping — $5
* Had sex in a pool — $20
* Kissed someone of the same sex — $10
* Had sex with someone of the same sex — $20
* Cheated on your significant other — $10
* Masturbated — $10
* Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend — $20
* Done oral — $5
* Got oral — $5
* Done / got oral in a car while it was moving — $25
* Stole something — $10
* Had sex with someone in jail — $25
* Made a nasty home video — $15
* Had a threesome — $50
* Had sex in the wild — $20
* Been in the same room while someone was having sex — $25
* Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars — $20
* Had sex with someone 10 years older — $20
* Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 — $25
* Been in love with two people or more at the same time — $50
* Said you love someone but didn’t mean it — $25
* Went streaking — $5
* Went streaking in broad daylight — $15
* Been arrested — $5
* Spent time in jail — $15
* Peed in the pool — $0.50
* Played spin the bottle — $5
* Done something you regret — $20
* Had sex with your best friend — $20
* Had sex with someone you work with at work — $25
* Had anal sex — $80
* Lied to your mate — $5
* Lied to your mate about the sex being good — $25

So I left a comment over at the blog I borrowed this from saying that my total was 435.10.

What the hell did I miss? Are my math skills just really bad?

When I did it this time it was higher. I added again.

$560.10.

Holy shit. And I've never even done drugs.

Found!

I believe the correct wordage would be "Emma, ye feckin' eejit."

The missing camera has been found.

Thanks for all your ideas. I was glad to see that I am not the only person who misplaces the little machine that documents our histories.

Do you know where it was? Can you guess? Remember I said that I usually placed it on the computer desk or the bookcase? I forgot to mention that I also tend to leave it on the hutch in the kitchen. But that's not where it was.

It was on the computer desk. But not where I normally put it, which is up on the shelf by the printer. No, it was down by the computer, right behind the camera dock. As I was saying "I have got to find that bloody camera" Taylor said "Here it is!"

In my defense, it was covered by some paper. Nevermind that these were important papers, belonging to an applicant that I was due to interview that day. An applicant that I rang, said "Hey guess what? I realize I've already made you fill out a second application but guess what? I am a fucking eejit and shredded your application by accident."

Oh, did I not tell you that I occasionally lie to save my ass? I just didn't want them to think that their personal information was lost. And it wasn't, not really, it was just on my desk. That's all.

Well, thank God for that

I saw this quiz over at And Baby Makes Three and thought I should take it. Since you know, I like that sort of thing. All I can say is I am grateful I am not going to be eaten. Or drown. Or be blown up. Of all the ways to die, naturally has got to be the way to go. I don't even mind being found purple and icky.

You scored as Natural Causes. Your death will be by natural causes, though not by any diseaese, because that is another option on this test. You will probably just silently pass away in the night from old age, and people you love won't realize until the next morning, when you are all purple and cold and icky. So be happy, you won't be murdered. Natural Causes 80% Bomb 53% Gunshot 47% Stabbed 47% Poison 47% Suffocated 40% Eaten 40% Cut Throat 33% Suicide 33% Disappear 33% Disease 33% Accident 27% Drowning 13% How Will You Die?? created with QuizFarm.com

Missing!

Okay everyone in blogland, I need your help. I have lost my camera. With almost 1000 pictures on it. Everything from May of 2006 onwards which includes Spohie's birth, Saoirse's second birthday and Christmas. And everyday pictures of my lovely children. Okay, okay, it's mostly Saoirse and Sophie. I really do have 4 children it's just hard to tell via the camera. Once they reach a certain age they don't seem so keen on picture taking.

Where do you think I might have put it? I'm asking you lot because I am stumped. Normally it goes on the computer desk, occassionally on the bookcase. I last used it in the house so I know it has to be somewhere around here. Obviously you don't know the layout of my house or what I have in it (clutter) but perhaps you can think of a place I haven't looked, somewhere blatantly obvious. Where do you keep your camera?

And yeah, I looked in the fridge.

I don't think I've ever been called bubbly before

Tonight I went to my monthly stampin' up club. I spent $160 (if William reads this, that 1 there is a typo, it should say $60) but I got 2 free stamp sets, so it all evens out. I wish I was the host this month, my friend Candy, who was, ended up with 7 free stamp sets, plus $135 in credit. Sell-a-bration is always a good time to have a party.

Yeah, total geek.

I went tonight with my neighbour Andi, who is Candy's sister in law (see that? Candy and Andi. Rhyming names amuse me.) I saw Andi get out of her van and run into her house and then the passenger door opened and out came my psycho druggie neighbour. WTF?, thinks I. Surely she is not coming. She says hi and I say "Hello!" It was sort of a suprised hello, but I think it came out very sing song. And she said "Emma, if I could be as bubbly as you always are I'd be very happy."

Seriously? So not bubbly. And since she thinks I always sound like this I have come to a conclusion. I have a fake hello. It must be a hello I give only to people I think are crazy and liable to stab me at any moment. And I really must stop using it, because I am not my mother and my mother totally uses not only a fake hello but has a whole fake posh accent for people she does not like. Like she's from some snooty part of Birmingham instead of Perry Barr. Hmmm, I think it's hard to be from Birmingham and sound posh.

Anyhoo....

...off to Costco in the morning, I heart Costco. I'm only buying food though. And maybe a couple of books. But nothing else due to the overspending on stamping stuff. Unless there's a really great deal.

...Sophie was fantastic for William tonight. She only cried for about 15 minutes at 9pm. I may get to have a life yet.

...with the exception of about a 3 hour period Saoirse wore her new princess nightdress for a good 60 some hours. We bought it on Tuesday, she wore it that night and until 4pm on Wednesday. Changed into clothes only because I had to take Sophie for her shots. Back into pjs by 7. Wore nightdress all day Thursday over a pair of jeans. Refused to change pjs at bedtime even though there was a large tomato soup stain. Had bath this morning and was not allowed to wear pjs in. Pick your battles.

...Sophie had her 4 month shots 5 weeks late. Weighs 16lbs 2 oz. and is just under 26". Both are 75th percentile. Height was 50th at the 2 month shots, so had a bit of a spurt.

I totally know how McDreamy feels

Not about oozing sex appeal. I have none of that. Not about having the abilities to cut open a human body either. I can't even carve a roast.

No, what McDreamy and I have in common is earplugs.

William snores. Not terribly badly, though some nights are worse than other. And it's not just that he snores...he breathes. And Saoirse breathes. And when Sophie joins us, she breathes.

All that breathing keeps me awake. And irritates the hell out of me. I hate body noise. I can fall asleep with the radio or TV on, but please, don't make me listen to someone breathe or snore.

Don't even get me started on how I feel about the sound of chewing.

Anyway, I think McDreamy's earplugs must be much better than mine, because he snuggled up to Meredith as though all was right with the world. Even with earplugs I keep my distance and sometimes have to put a pillow over my head as well.

Just a thought, but what's up with my usage of the word totally. When did I start this? It's really bothering me and yet I can't stop typing it.

What can be better than a mommy and a daddy?

Why, two daddies of course.

So says Saoirse. I was watching some show and the boy said "My friend has two daddies." Saoirse pops up from whatever she was doing (making a mess) and says "TWO daddies!!"

Oh, the excitement. Daddy times two? That would be fantastic! Just picture it... two daddies to cuddle up to at night, two daddies for horsie rides, two daddies to make watch Cinderella and the Little Mermaid over and over and over again. Two daddies to watch go to the toilet (always a highlight), two daddies to take you to the park and do nothing but push you on the swings, two daddies to wrap around your little finger.

Yes, I think Saoirse would enjoy two daddies. Her daddy? I don't think he would be so keen on the idea.

Because the links don't work...pictures

For CPA Mom and Beccy:

Today...

Today...Sophie's first tooth came up. I discovered it when we were in the truck and she was screaming bloody murder. I took off my seatbelt, turned around, and stuck my finger in her mouth. Oh shut up, you know you've done it as well. She bit me. That is the pointiest tooth I have ever felt in my life. Eventually she fell asleep, still sucking on my finger. I was a bit worried about feeding her later, but all was fine.

Today... I bought Saoirse a pair of slippers from Old Navy for $1.97. I also did somethign I swore I would never do and got the girls matching shirts. From Old Navy of course. They say "Daddy's Super Star." Seriously, way too cute.

Today... I bought a sewing craft hutch. Not for sewing. That's beyond my abilities. For scrapbooking and cardmaking. You know, the stuff I never do. But maybe one day I will. Maybe. Once I get this.

Today...I almost lost it with my son. I told him it was his night to do dishes, he ignored me. When he was downstairs I called him and said "You need to do this dishes!" This is what I heard "NO!" This is what he says he said "NO not yet, my man is going to die." Because of course playstation is so much more important than your chores. I had 2 screaming babies and an AWOL partner. Did not deal well. Tomorrow he does the dishes for his sister. William told me to leave all the dishes from today as well. If there is one thing I can not stand it is a crowded kitchen counter. Dishes will be done, but I might charge him a dollar.

Today...I went to the Disney store where all the marked down items were reduced a further 50%. Bought Saoirse a Sleeping Beauty toque, a princess nightdress (she looks so adorable, it goes right to her toes), 3 pairs of pjs for Christmas for $5.00 each (Incredibles, Bambi and Aristocats) and a baby Cinderella doll for $6.99. I love me some sales.

Today...I realized I talk about shopping too much.

1-20

I found this somewhere and I can't remember where it was, a blog I had never been to anyway. The point is to find the signifigance each number has in your life. It appears that it might be quite difficult.

1- the number of boys I have. That would be Liam; poor, lonely Liam.
2- number of houses I lived in from the age of 3-19.
3- age I was when I moved to Canada.
4- the number of children I have.
5- age I started Grade 1.
6- years I have lived in this neighbourhood.
7- scrapbooks waiting to be filled.
8- applicants I have to interview.
9- things to pick up off the floor before I go to bed.
10- day of the month in which Taylor (March) and (Sophie) were born.
11- day Saoirse (November) was born.
12- age I got my period.
13- first proper kiss. His name was Robert, he was from Weston-Super-Mare.
14- number of different people I spoke with today.
15- age I lost my virginity.
16- day I was born.
17- had a miscarriage
18- met my English penpal. Did not get on.
19- got engaged (uh-oh)
20- got married (too young! Mistake! Huge!)

Saoirse happenings

*Quite seriously, I would be very uncomfortable if a man reads this post. So, all two of you, look away.

When I got home tonight Sophie was screaming bloody murder. As soon as Liam passed her to me she stopped. William said she had pretty much cried the entire time after waking up. He also said that she fed herself her bottle, put it when she wanted it and took it out when she was done. I thought that was pretty impressive for a kid who gets maybe 2 bottles a month.

So I sit down and proceed to feed Sophie. During this, I was on the phone with my friend Shelley. When Sophie was done she cuddled against me as she often does so I just left my bra undone and pulled my shirt down a bit. At some point Saoirse comes over and sits with me. All of a sudden she pulls my shirt up and says "Can you feed me with this mummy?" I was a little shocked. How to deal? So she repeats herself "You feed me with this?"

I say to her that I use them to feed Sophie, that when she was a very little baby that was how I fed her. She ran her finger around my nipple and tried to undo the other side of the bra. And then told me to when she couldn't. And I did.

I really don't know what I would have done had she actually pushed trying to breastfeed. Everything I have read says just to let them but I don't know. She seems so old. Plus she has all those teeth. Ouch.

Also today, she told me she loves me. I think. I have complained before that Saoirse never says "I love you." If I say to her "Who do you love?" she will list people off... Daddy, mummy, Liam, Taylor, Sophie, Nanny...but she never answers an "I love you." It really bothers me.

Liam was home from school today and of course she follows him everywhere. He was going down to the basement and she said, as she was already going down the stairs, "I'm going with Liam. Bye Mom." (She still prefers mom to mummy, or even mum. Such an odd child.) I say "Bye Sorsh! Love you!" And I hear "Love you Mom!" Oh, the excitement! I literally jumped off the couch, put Sophie down and ran to the stairs "Did you just tell me you loved me? Is that what you said?"

She ignored me.

But I'm pretty sure she said that.

I can't believe the child has been talking for some 16 months and it took that long to get some semblance of an "I love you."