Oh bugger this, it's too much work.

So privacy and I? We don't get on. It's too much work going through comments and searching for email addresses and then typing them up.

Jeez, I really am a lazy fecker. I'd rather be playing spider solitaire apparently. Or watching True Blood, my new obsession, on iTunes.

Part of the reason I wanted to go private is because I discovered that a "friend" had this address and I'm really quite uncomfortable with the idea of her reading it. It's not as though I am talking about her, but I just don't want her knowing some of the things going on in my life. I also figure that sometimes I will say things that piss William off, but being private on blogger makes no difference on our home computer when it comes to him. If I'm logged in he'd see it if he bothered to read the blog. I never know when he is going to read it.

I did start a wordpress blog so I guess if I have something to say that I don't want specific people reading then I will say it over there. Although in reality by the time I am ready to write I am usually no longer pissed off (say if it's about William) and what potentially could have been quite a good post just becomes my usual shite.

Anyhoodoodledoodledoo (as my friend Squishy Tushy says, and it always makes me laugh) on to William and the daughter. The only reason I wanted this private was because I was worried that he is going to get hurt and I didn't want him getting mad at my saying so. But you know, I worry. What can you do?

So when William was 17 his ex girlfriend had a baby girl. He was, as I said, 17 and I'm pretty sure he was pretty messed up. He saw her once as a baby and again when she was 9. By this time, the ex was remarried and Michaela was being raised as his daughter. William agreed not to tell her who he was, he was just introduced as the brother of Sue's (the ex) friend.

From the moment I met William he has always talked about her, about how he would like to get in contact with her. He had done a bit of searching for both mother and daughter on the internet with no luck. And then on New Year's Day on facebook he searched for her again, spelling her last name a little bit differently than what he had been using.

And he found someone with her name, sent a message asking if she lived in Australia and had a mum named Sue and it was her. She said she thought she knew who he was. They have been messaging back and forth the past week and a bit and have talked on the phone (calling a mobile to Australia...not cheap!) She said that when her mother went to tell her about William when she was "an angry teenager" she didn't want to hear it but that she was willing to hear his side now. He told her about those days (some of you will know he was also being abused by his doctor at that time), about his childhood, about where he is today. She has a little boy, just 3 weeks older than Sophie, and she said to William that once she saw the pictures of our girls she had no doubt about being related to him. And really? Her son has the exact same blond curls that Saoirse had at 2. A different face, but you can definitely see a resemblance. She herself looks a bit like one of his sisters.

We have known that William needs to go back to Australia for this medical case and now he is very determined to get back and meet Michaela. And while I am happy for him and I support his going back both for the case and to meet her, there is a part of me that is saying "What the fuck? We can't afford this. We can't afford for you to take 3 weeks off of work, to buy a plane ticket to Australia." That is selfish of me, I know, but I just don't see our fortunes turning in the next 4 months. These next few months were to be spent saving and trying to get ahead and now that is all gone. And it frustrates me that I am upset about this. I know that this is what is best for William...to meet her, to hopefully get some answers or some closure in regards to the abuse... and I know that any positive changes in William will be good for our family. But there is a little part of me that is terrified...scared that he won't get the answers he wants from the medical board, scared that things will not work out with Michaela, scared that he won't come back. And that is silly, I know, but I can't control those feelings. I find I've been a bit off with him this week, a little bit quieter than normal, a bit distance. When he asks what is wrong I say nothing.

I just don't know how to explain it all to him.