"It's Over" *updated

Those very words were said to me last night. It is not the first time I have heard them, but I suspect this may actually be the last time.

And I'm not really sure how I feel about it. Disappointment mixed with relief, maybe. Disappointment because I really love him, because we have 2 daughters together, because I just can't make him happy. Relief because I'm tired of walking on eggshells, relief because the moment has happened.

And what was it yesterday that set him off? I'm not entirely sure. He can't live like this he says. The livingroom had toys on the floor, the vacuum wasn't put away, the boots in the entry way were rather all over the place. I think the kicker was that dinner was not yet on the table. It was in the midst of being made, the potatoes were on to boil, but I had not yet defrosted the pork chops. It was quarter after 5. Dinner is a big deal to William, he likes it early, whereas I have always been used to eating around 6.

It doesn't matter that the baby needed fed and I am currently the only one who has the ability to participate in that particular activity. It doesn't matter that Liam was doing his homework and needs constant help with the reading and writing. And don't even dare point out that he has been sitting in Tom's garage for the past 2 hours when he could be home sitting with one or both girls so that dinner is made and laundry put away. How dare I tell him where he ought to be.

He told me that he was going to call about going back to Australia, he's done. "What about the girls?" I say. "What about them," he asks. "They'll forget about me."

Not too long ago I did a 100 things about William post, in which I wrote that he was a great father. This was not a lie. He really is. I feel sometimes though like there are 2 Williams. One is a great father who loves all four completely. The other is a timebomb waiting to go off. This William refuses to listen when angry, it is alright for him to say what he wants with a fuck thrown in every third word or so, but you can not say a word back. What bothers me is that I am not the only one who knows this William, Taylor knows him well and even my mother has had an experience with him.

I promised myself I would never involve my children in an unhappy relationship again and I have gone and done it. I don't know what he will say when he gets home, sometimes things go on as though they never happened. I can't do it this time, I am falling apart. I want to be with him, but not without counselling.

Sorry you all had to read this, I just needed to write it down, get things out there, it will probably be deleted in the next wee bit.


* Just wanted to say thanks everyone for the v. kind comments. I don't think that what happened can be blamed entirely on stress, the threat of his leaving was used often before either Saoirse or Sophie arrived. Anyway, things are still somewhat tense. There has been no further mention of going back to Australia but we are being civil with one another. Sort of like roommates who don't really like each other but have no other alternatives. Certainly not an ideal situation.