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Another blowout with William tonight. I am at a loss. I have to accept that he just is not in love with me, and this breaks my heart. I can not see for the tears. I am so tired. Tired of being scared that the house is not clean enough. And it isn't, I know it isn't.I shouldn't be scared of my partner. And seriously? If you love someone you can forgive the fact that they are not a perfect housekeeper. You do not end a relationship because there are fucking toys on the floor. You do not scream and shout and throw things because you are sick of messes. If you love a person you actually acknowledge the things they do. Holy fuck, a closet full of clean clothes? A toilet that is consistently cleaned up after you have puked in it? There's no magic fucking fairy doing all that shit. There's just me. And I am so tired of it all. I'm so tired of being so sad ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I am tired of taking it out on Taylor and Liam. I am tired of not being listened to but of having to listen to what a shitty mother I am and how I am so fucking lazy and I apparently do nothing all day. And I'm tired of being told that you are going to leave. Go, fucking go! But if you aren't going to go stop threatening me with it! It's emotional blackmail. You can say it isn't but it is. It is! You are talking about taking my daughters for 6 months at a time. To fucking Australia. The other side of the world. And what other alternatives are there? I will not accept a previously suggested idea of you taking Saoirse and me taking Sophie. I will not lose that little girl. And what of Taylor and Liam? No mention of them at all. Silence says a lot. Oh, I knew you didn't care for Taylor, although you never said it, but Liam...I thought you did love him. But lately you have been so angry with all of us. Even yelling at Saoirse for stupid little things. Frustration at me I suppose. Why am I blaming myself? This is not my issue, not at all. This is all about you. I live with the things I don't like about you (and guess what! there's a lot!) because I love you. I love you. Why?
This is what I need to figure out. Why do I love someone who so obviously does not love me in return? I know very well that if I suddenly have a clean house he will just find something else to hate about me. I need to work all this out. Sadly, I can not talk to him about this. We had an argument about me asking him not to swear at Saoirse on Saturday night. He told me not to tell him how to raise his daughter. And yet it is perfectly okay for him to tell me what to do and not do with my two, and will do so right in front of them. He actually puts his hand up to me and tells me not to say another word. But he can yell and scream at me. Once he's done talking thought that's it, conversation over. All I know is that I can not go on like this.
I am going to take sometime away from blogging (which totally distracts me from housework!) so that I can clear up some other things that tend to keep me from home and family. It won't last very long I am sure and I am sure I said the same thing not so long ago. Sure, don't you lot all have such happy lives that I just have to read about them? Fuck knows I'm not living one myself.
31 January, 2007
Figuring things out
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21 comments:
Ahh Emma my heart goes out to you, I can't imagine what you're going through. My life is far from perfect but I don't have to put up with the shit you do, infact I don't think I could put up with it, you must really love him. He needs to sort himself out big time and grow up. If he doesn't like the house why doesn't he clean it. As for the taking the kids from you, I'd die if I was in that situation.
I really hope everything gets resolved for you and you'll be back to join us before too long. I love the honesty of your posts, because all my family read mine I have to think carefully about what I say as I don't want to offend anyone,(that pretty much sums me up).
*bloghug*
Reading your post stopped me dead in my tracks. I don't even know what to write except to say “I hear you”. I hear that you're in pain. May-be even desperate and overwhelmed. I can relate to much (not all) but much of your story. My husband and I also argue over the state of the house. I sometimes want to say: So, if the house was clean that would mean every one of our issues would magically be solved? In my case, I think he's resentful that he goes to wok and I stay home with the kids. Even though he denies this. We made the choice for me to stay home together, but he makes comments. "I actually have to get up and go to work tomorrow" or "Why are YOU tired? What did YOU do?" It's not bad all of the time, but those comments wear on my soul.
I'm working hard at not giving my power away to him. Something that's been helping me is to not believe what he says he about me. He may say that my opinion is stupid, but that doesn't make it true. Now, I say back to me him. Just because my opinion is not the same as yours doesn't make it stupid, and you can go on believing it is, but I don't. That's YOUR stuff, I say. He CHOOSES to react angrily, I don't MAKE him angry. Changing MY thinking has helped me immensely, but I still have a long way to go.
You’re in my thoughts, Emma.
It all sounds unbearable and horrible Emma, I'm sorry things are so tough relationship wise for you at the moment.
I agree that instead of screaming adn shouting about mess, he should be rolling up his sleeves and helping out. But I suppose thats too sensible.
Anyway just wanted to pop by and send lovely thoughts your way. Try not to let it grind you down, though I appreciate that is easier than it sounds. keep the chin up.
Emma, kick him the fuck out of your house, now, no more messing, no more chances.
Sweetheart I know where you are, it sounds like we have the same man with different names.
You have to take control back, he won't give it to you, TAKE IT and start by telling him that you need him to leave and stay somewhere else, it might be for a week, a month, maybe even just one night but he needs to leave now. His behaviour is destructive and abusive, I know he's not hitting you (I hope not?) but calling you names and putting you down is just as bad, have a look here honey: http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm
See what I mean?
Your children should not witness you being slighted and put down by someone who is supposed to love you and support you. He probably does somewhere deep down, you know that, I know that, but you cannot be the emotional punch bag for his problems, you have children to rear.
I know it's hard babe, really I do, I read your posts sometimes and think my god how did she sneak into my house last night?
He needs to go somewhere and sort his head out. Take your girls to Oz for 6 months a year, you must be fucking joking mate, take one and leave you the baby - even worse, seriously Emma, shut this situation down now, maybe the relationship is over maybe it's not but this level of stress and anxiety does nobody any favours. Tell him to go somewhere else for a while and let him know that you mean it, no raised voices or hysteria, calm and collected. You have my email address - don't you? Send me one with yours and we can chat off line if you like?
Honey my every atom is wishing you strength and wisdom, men like this are so very difficult, please know that you are worth more and don't have to take this from him or from anyone.
Hugs, big strong hugs to you and the kids, I'm here if and when you need me honey, wish I could be there in person, stay safe babe xx
you're in my thoughts, take all the time you need... i'll keep checking your blog to see when you're back!
oh, sweetie! My heart is aching for you. I spent 7 1/2 years in a bad relationship and from reading the comments, some others and you are doing the same. I finally got out. I waited until he was at his mom's for dinner and I packed what I could in my car and left. He still has the rest of it. I later met my future husband and am now treated like a queen. I know that with the kids and such that you can't solve the problem the way I did, but you have to find some sort of solution. You have to- really. It is not right for you to but put through this-- it isn't right for anyone to be put through this. What is wrong with us that we will stick around when we are being treated like doormats? Please try to take care of yourself. We all hope you are back to posting soon. at least check in and let us know that you are ok.
Emma, this breaks my heart. You're right, he doesn't have the right to treat you that way, and he sure as hell doesn't have the right to try to wheel and deal about who gets which kid. They're not a couch and chair! They're sisters and need to be together. And you're their mother, and reading your blog I know that you love those kids to death, and giving one up, would be like cutting off an arm or a leg.
Like everyone else said, when he complains about the mess, he should freaking help out. When my man complains, I tell him "you know where the vacuum is." We don't have time for that bullshit, do we?
You need to figure out what's best for you. Because what's best for you is what's best for those kids. There's never any question about that.
I'm so sorry you feel so bad right now. I'm sending you lots of thoughts and hugs and wish you lots of strength. You'll make it through, you're a survivor.
And remember, you're stronger than you think.
I am so sorry to hear this and somehow I had no idea things were so rough for you *hug*.
You are in my thoughts!
Emma I'm sending you a HUGE hug right now - did 'ya get it? I'm so sorry you are sad and that he's the cause. And you're right - it is emotional blackmail/abuse. Is there anyone the two of you can talk to - a counselor of sorts? I know you'll do what is best for you and the kiddos - no matter how painful it is for you. I'll miss you but will be here when you're ready to come back.
Oh Emma *hugs* I cannot imagine what you are going through and I really feel for you.. If you need an ear or someone just to rant to please feel free to email me.
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I am so, so sorry. This is just awful.
Please take care of yourself.
as the only male to respond to this one ... get a lawyer and get you ass out of there. Verbal abuse of children is considered as bad as physical abuse. That will go far in court.
Erm, I wrote a really freaking long reply to this the other day when blogger was going whacky. *sigh*
Just wanted to re-send well wishes. You're probably better off without my long ass garbage.
Oh, Emma! I had no idea! I'm so sorry. I don't think I can add anything more that what some of the other girls have said.
What I can offer you is prayer - and I'll be doing just that for you and your children.
I'll never forget the first post of yours that I read and it had pictures of you holding Sophie in the hospital. I remember thinking "No one should look that good just after giving birth!"
You are beautiful.
I will be thinking of you. My heart is breaking for you right now....
I don't have children, but the things he says to you sound all to familiar. I lived that, too.
I won't give you advice because you'll know what to do when the time is right, but I'll say this much: it does get better. Maybe not with him, maybe not for awhile, maybe your house will always be a mess, I don't know.
But overall, it does get better. I promise you that.
Be strong.
You definitely don't need to stay in a situation where you are scared of your partner. If you're scared then your kids are no doubt scared too, whether you know it or not. I hope you work things out somehow, whether it's by leaving him or by seeking outside help for the relationship. And I hope that you come back to let us know how things are going every once in a while. You'll be in my thoughts.
take all the time you need but we will miss you while you are gone and hope you and the kids are safe.
Do you what you need to do to ensure a happy healthy home for your children and you.
I've been thinking about this entry since you posted it, and it's bothering me terribly.
First off, get a lawyer. I know you love him, but truly, William sounds like an absolute ass. I think that is becoming more evident to you. Totaly emotional abuse.
The fact that he had the nerve to even suggest that you take Sophie and he keeps Saoirse... OH. MY. GOD. This leaves me speechless. Just who in the hell does he think he is??!!!
And he SWEARS at your two-year-old??!! She didn't sign up for that kind of bullshit. (A sore spot for me - our kids hear us fighting a lot - not good. I see it having an effect on Emma.)
As for the clean house thing... shit, we could talk. But that's an aside... Jeff, his mother, his whole family... they can think what they want, but I will never EVER spend my days ironing king size sheets so they are crisp and wrinkle free. I'd rather just sit and stare at a wall, thankyouverymuch. You've got FOUR kids... they are the priority. If he wants a hot dinner, I'm sure you've got a Tim Horton's within 3 minutes of your house.
You've only got one life. You deserve to be happy in it. It's a choice you have to make. Choose to be happy. Don't waste any more time being miserable.
hello,
i'm natalie. i found you through eric.
it took courage to post what you did.
i could say a bunch of cliches, but i know how you feel...
read my post for today...
i know we are strangers, but we are not strangers to this type of pain.
love and prayers to you.
I wasn't reading you back in January so this is the first time I'm seeing this. Hell, I didn't even know what a blog was last January.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm hoping maybe it is just a bit better now. You have to figure out what is best for you and your kids - whether that includes William or not.
I'm down here in Alabama thinking about you. You call if you want to vent. I can relate to relationship problems. Love you!
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