Yesterday

I worked yesterday, and had to go down to my mum's office to pick up some charts. She wasn't at her desk so I siad to one of the girls "Where's my mum?" She just kind of shrugged her shoulders. Odd, I thought, she's normally so friendly. And on I went with my day.

Was back at her office around 12.30 or so and she still wasn't there. I said to the 2 girls at the front "Is my mum not in to today?" One of the girls said "No, I think the jet lag has caught up with her." (She came home from England on Friday night.) So I say something about how I talked to her last night and she never mentioned not feeling great, in fact she was supposed to be bringing me in fruit pastilles for the kids. Her boss walks by and I can't remember what she said but my next words were "Has something happened to my grandmother?"
"No, no, " she says, "your mum's just not feeling very well."

It's the way they all looked at me that told me that something was in fact wrong.

I went back to my department and said I needed to make a phone call. My mum's line is busy so I call William.
"Did my nan die?"
"I don't want to tell you" he says.
That kind of tells you doesn't it? He tells me he spent part of the morning at my mum's, she hadn't called me that morning because she knew I wouldn't have gone in to work.

The thing was, alot of people at work knew and I didn't. So while I can understand why my mum didn't tell me, it kills me that all these people knew and I had absolutely no idea my nan was dead.

They called my mum at 6am. I'm not even sure at what time my nan passed away. Sometime in the late morning I guess, maybe the early afternoon. A nurse and an aide were with her, my grandad had not long left. The nurse phoned my aunt in London so she could say her goodbyes. My aunt in Weston had spent the evening before there. My mum had just come home after spending 2 weeks with her.

It must not be easy to lose your parent. I have never seen my mum cry like she did last night. She said to me "What am I going to do without my mum?" It is funny to think that at 56, you still need your mother. But I suppose it never goes away, that mother/daughter bond. We have lived in Canada for almost 30 years, but my mother and her mother always remained extremely close.

My last conversation with my nan was the Sunday before last. My aunt called and said that she would like to talk to me. She came on the phone and sounding very weak, said "Hello, Emma"
"Hello Nanny" I said. I always called her Nanny. Not growing up with her, I never shortened it to Nan, although I did in letters. I will never forget my cousin making fun of me for calling her Nanny.
"I miss you Nanny." I said.
She said she missed me too.
"I love you alot" I said, and I was crying by now.
I could hear my aunt say "What do you want to say to her?" I couldn't hear the reply but I heard my aunt tell her to say she loved me.
"I love you, Emma" my nanny says.
"I love you too." I say, practically bawling.
My aunt comes back on the phone and I don't even know what she said but we were both crying.

When she came home on Friday, my mum told me that what my nan had said in reply to my aunt asking what she wanted to say to me was "Remember me."

I always will.