Taylor at 12

Yesterday was Taylor's 12th birthday. I just went back and read over what I wrote about her last year, and I have to say that things between us are still difficult. I've made a move on the counselling though, I think she is (and has been for years) suffering from depression. I have to see the counsellor first and then she goes. I am being held up though by the fact that her father needs to provide me with a notarized letter saying that he agrees to me seeking counselling. He has no issue with it, he just hasn't done it yet.

I wish Taylor and I had a better relationship, I really do. I don't think you go into motherhood thinking that you and your child will not get along, the reality was a big shock to me. I wonder when our problems was started, when this little girl and I became so angry with each other. She was always temperamental, always argumentative. I remember has a pleasant baby, very independent, she was rolling around the house at 4 months old, so busy she didn't sit on her own until she was 9 1/2 months old. When was that first temper tantrum? Around 9 months old or so, when she got angry about something and lay on her back and threw herself to the other end of the room, ending up with a big scab on the back of her head from all the friction. The temper tantrums became more frequent when she was about 15 months old, there are pages in her photo album of her asleep on the floor after crying herself out. And they still go on today, for silly reasons and for serious ones. Sometimes she doesn't have a tantrum, just goes off and cries for what appears to us to be no reason, but must be something to her. An example from today: she didn't want her friends to have cake, but they all wanted cake and I said they could so she went off and slammed the basement door. She sulked for awhile and then all was fine.

Ack, once again what should have been a birthday post has turned into a whinge from me. And I wonder why we have problems.

I should have just told you about her birth, when the doctor was trying to turn her head and it felt like the most violent oral sex ever.

Or maybe that's just way too much information.



The school dance. It was a 50s theme. Her friend Ashley is on her left and Marissa is one her right. She's holding Saoirse of course.


This was in September. She rarely lets me do her hair (always a huge fight) but she had let me put a bun in on this morning. When she came home it was all undone though! And I just have to tell you how glad I was the day we threw that sofa out. I love my new one, even though it still doesn't have legs, 2 months later.