Turning Eleven

Taylor turned 11 yesterday. Two more years until the terror of teenagedom (I don't believe that is actually a word) but I wonder can anything be worse than the terrors of raising a tween? Surely, it must only get better. It has to. Anyone who has ever read this knows that Taylor and I have a difficult relationship at best. We are two totally different personalities. Or maybe we aren't really all that different. We are both somewhat moody, and both do not like to give in during a fight. She is though, a much stronger personality that I ever was or ever could hope to be. I was her polar opposite as a child, shy and quiet, while she is outgoing and vibrant. She is friends with boys and girls, while I stuck to being friends with girls after the age of 7. She is well loved by her friends parents, so why is it that this particular parent does not get on with her?

I wish we did, I really do. When I was young I used to imagine my future daughter and the fantastic relationship we would one day have. I do not see Taylor and I as being friends when she is an adult, if I were her I'd be to busy being angry at my shite childhood and I imagine that I will feel to much guilt about my part in said childhood. For so far, Taylor has not had it easy. Some of these issues are not my fault, some very much are. My lack of patience, for one. My friend Shelley constantly has to remind me that "you are the adult and she is the child." Which essentially means that it is up to me to be the one who changes, that Taylor is a child and acts as children do. And so I will. I am looking into counselling for myself because I do not want to one day be that old lady for whom there is no next of kin, no children who visit her in the hospital. When I look at patient histories and I see that although they have children who are often local yet never visit I always wonder what sort of parent they were. I don't want Taylor to one day be the sort of mother that I am. It is terrible to admit that you really are an awful mother, that you deserve the title you gave yourself in your blog.

Does it not frighten you all to think that I am having another one? And yet, I don't necessarily think I am a terrible mother to Liam nor am I to Saoirse. I see Saoirse as having very much the same personality as Taylor, prone to tempers and all, but I think I am already mothering her better than I did Taylor. Though I suppose it also helps to have a much more involved partner than what Taylor's dad was. Not that I am blaming him, I'm not, he certainly had and still has his own terrible issues to deal with.

This was supposed to be a happy birthday post, but quickly turned into a self pitying one! So I will wish my Taylor a happy belated 11th birthday. I wish alot of things for her: love and happiness and, one day, a mother who loves and accepts her for what she is and stops demanding more. I wish for her to hold on to the wonderful set of friends she has, some that she has known since she was four. I hope she develops more strong relationships that will last her a lifetime. Taylor is the type of child that you know has the potential to do amazing things, if only she works to that potential. I hope that she works on reaching that potential, I've said before how smart she is, but also how lazy. One day, I hope she realizes how important an education is, and that the realization comes before it is too late. I wish that she could be protected from sadness in life, but Taylor already knows how much sadness there is. Since she was two she has known her father is very ill, in the next few years she and Liam will have to deal with his death. I do not believe there will be support from his side of the family, it will come from myself and my family and I can only hope that I am able to provide it. I hope that she will not inherit this terrible genetic disease. My biggest wish for her is, and always will be, health. I do not want this disease to rob her of a productive life. Though this disease is possibly years away for Taylor, I hold onto the fact that she has always been very healthy, she has not had even an ear infection. Perhaps she will be the generation that breaks the cycle of this disease. I hope so. I wish it. I pray to God every night that both Taylor and Liam will not suffer as their father has.